Friday, April 25, 2008


I've sat down to write lately, and I just haven't felt like it. I've felt a little closed in on myself this week. Maybe I'm having some internal processing time... My Bible study and MOPs are getting ready to shut down for the summer. I'm looking forward to scheduling playdates with gals I haven't had a chance to get to know yet. There are a ton of parks in my area, and I know that we're going to enjoy exploring the parks and the pool all summer long.

So why do I feel anxious? Why is my heart worried and sad? I feel tears far back, behind my eyes, so far back that I know there's no danger of them spilling out. They're just there, and I can't ignore them after awhile. I have to think about what they mean.

I stopped nursing Seth at 13 months. He'll be 15 months on the 26th of this month. And my body has been doing something funky since then. My cycles have been too short, 20 days each the past time. (Sorry, any guys that are reading this.) I know that it might just take time for my body to adjust, and I know that this doesn't have to mean anything.

But it took me 36 months, 1 miscarriage, three different ovulation induction medications, and numerous ultrasounds for me to have my precious baby boy. No matter how hard I try, it's tough not to be afraid that I could be seeing the signs of another potential infertility nightmare in our future. It would be different this time around. I have a beautiful boy, and if he's all I ever have, I will be profoundly greatful. But I don't want even a hint of the doubt and sadness and pain that I felt for those 36 months to come back to haunt our happy home. It's that hint that I guess I've been struggling with this week.

Bible study has been especially sweet this week, and it often seems to be whenever I'm afraid and sad. We're ending up as God's people are taken into captivity in Babylon. (See 2 Kings 25.) My Bible study leader mentioned in lecture this week that this was God's will for them, at this time in their lives. They had to go because of their national sin and rebellion, but Babylonian captivity was the current plan. God used several of his people mightily in Babylon during this time. Anybody remember Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? We wouldn't have their stories if they'd kicked their heels and screamed and refused to go where they didn't want to. They bloomed where they were planted.

Where am I planted right now? I don't know what our family's future is going to hold. No one does, really, anyway. But I'm trying to trust that even if the future doesn't turn out like I hope it will one day, that our family will be right in the center of God's will for us. He's been soothing my heart, and telling me not to worry so much. I just need to take His comfort to heart.

1 comment:

NotTheMama said...

Gotta love when our bodies do things that make us question everything and want to tear our hair out! ;) I've spent the weekend trying not to obsess about what's not happening, trying not to hope too much or imagine too much, trying not to over-analyze too much. I went to my sister's church today, and during the service as I held my sweet, sleeping, almost-2-year old nephew, there was not the first dry eye in the church, and I had peace in my heart for the first time all weekend. Trying to hang on to that tonight!!!
I'm praying for peaceful days for you, and restful nights. :)