Friday, April 01, 2011

When God slams a door…

We had our 19 week ultrasound yesterday. We’re having a third boy. He’s healthy.

(Moment of silence to let that sink in.)

I’ve run the gamut of emotions since then, most of them pretty negative. I’ve gone from shock to disbelief to anger to hurt to grief so fast that I have whiplash. This has been far harder for me to handle than I imagined.

I was so sure that this was it… my miracle no-fertility-treatment baby had to be a girl. I’d had two boys… I’d waited (semi-patiently =)… and this had to be it. Surely God wanted to bless me with this. Boys are great, and I’ve enjoyed having two, but now it was time for something different. I had a list of reasons as long as my arm why having a girl would be a wonderful thing for me, this family, this world…

And for the 3rd time, I got a big, fat, gigantic “no.” And this time it felt final. I’m assuming that’s why I have done so much crying in the last two days.

Thank God for my wonderful husband. (And my mom who watched the boys so we could go out together and put me back together in peace.) He has been so faithful to remind me of God’s love and kindness to me. I need to hear that right now.

Everybody has deeply held dreams and longings. Having a daughter was one of mine. It is hard when anyone that you love tells you that your dreams and plans are less important to them than their goals for you. It’s especially hard when that person is your heavenly Father… and you thought that He’d planted those dreams in your heart a long time ago.

David reminded me again yesterday of all of the times that God has said “yes” to our cries for help, our pleadings for specific blessing…

“Yes, you can have a baby after years of infertility.”

“Yes, you can even have one without fertility treatment.”

“Yes, David can have his dream job.”

“Yes, you can move close to family.”

“Yes, I will give David his voice back.”

There have been countless blessings that we have received from His hand that we didn’t even know to ask for. And there have been several times when, if we’d gotten what we wanted when we wanted it, we would be in a far more difficult place than we are right now. Infertility ultimately blessed us… if it hadn’t have been for that, there would’ve been no S.C. clerkship, no move to N.C. etc.

This is just another time and situation where I have to say, “Your ways are higher than my ways.” I’m afraid of what having three boys will be like. I feel totally outnumbered and worried about the amount of energy in my home. If anyone had told me that I would be the mother of three boys before now, I would’ve laughed hysterically. I wanted something that I thought would be easier for me than this.

And then there is my grief for the daughter that I won’t have. I feel sometimes like somebody died… and I never got to know her. That’s probably harder than anything else, honestly.

If you think of me in the next few days, please pray for me. I’m going to get it together, mourn, and move on. I am thankful for a healthy baby, and I know that I will adore him as much as I adore my other two sweet boys. I just need a little time…


Perry and Amanda said...

Been praying girl - will keep praying - I love you.

Perry and Amanda said...
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Terri said...

Vance has been reminding me lately--and I've been meditating myself--on the fact that God is for me. That his heart is inclined to me, that he really does rejoice over me (our sermon was on Zeph 3 this week), and that he loves to do good to me.

I know all of that is true for you, if he sees fit to say "no" to what you so strongly desire, AND his love is fully bent on blessing you, then there is--must be--good for you in this.

Like Piper says, "the fight for joy is the fight to see." Praying that for you, dear.