King Hezekiah...

Hi. Well, it's been a nasty little roller coaster ride around here. Anybody who read my previous post knows why. For several reasons, this particular devastating month was worse than others for me. This was my first month of spending hundreds of dollars on a miracle drug that the doctor assured me was the greatest thing since sliced bread with far higher pregnancy rates than the other drug I'd been taking. Blah, blah, blah. I'd really gotten my hopes up about it, far higher than they should've been. Of course, this had to be it. This was going to fix everything Especially since its my last hope for medical treatment, right? Surely, God was going to show up and fix it all. Wrong again. So this month, I was absolutely furious. Furious may not even be a strong enough word. I was furious at my doctor for getting my hopes up. I was furious at myself for believing him. I've also had some news that a formerly infertile friend is expecting for the second time. So, natually I've been furious at the unfairness of that. And of course, we can't leave out being furious at God, and furious at myself for possibly misinterpreting a ton of things that I think He may have told me. The interesting thing is that I know one big reason why I'm not getting pregnant. The month that I got pregnant with the baby we lost, I had a hormone surge while the egg was growing. One day it was tiny, and the next time they checked, it was huge. It grew faster than it should've, and my hormone levels went from low to high all at once. That month, I asked my doctor about it, and he told me, "I don't want to get your hopes up, but this could be it for you. We really like to see a hormone surge like this because it makes the egg good, especially in our patients doing the shots (what I did this month)." I remembered that, and I paid attention. I did not have a surge this month. I've only had it once, and that month I got pregnant, no problem. And this is the kicker. With all their medicine, with everything modern technology can do, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT THE DOCTOR CAN DO TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Nothing. There may be other things wrong, I don't know, but I know that without this, medicine can do nothing for me. And that's a really interesting feeling. I have run out of medical options. Without a miracle, I will never be a mother. In the past few days, this has made me feel ways that I haven't felt before. I have given up. I have not believed any more in the possibility of this dream coming true for me. I don't believe anymore that I can do anything to get myself pregnant. This makes me desparate and sad and mentally unhinged at times. But it is also a relief. I have been reading a novel where the lead character is King Hezekiah. Hezekiah trusted the Lord, and he pleased the Lord. But his fear that God would not protect him led him to make alliances with foreign powers that led to the Temple being stripped of its gold and Jerusalem being laid seige. All of his plans for his own security came to nothing. Relying on himself didn't get him anywhere he wanted to be. God stepped in and brought a plague on the Assyrian army, but they wouldn't have been camped outside his door if Hezekiah had trusted God enough not to make stupid decisions. I don't want to be Hezekiah, so afraid that God won't take care of me that I have a million plans to take care of myself that leave me worse off than if I'd trusted Him in the first place. I don't trust in the medicine anymore. It has no power apart from God. We will do another round before we leave Birmingham because we're not sure God wants us to stop yet. I'm less sure now than I ever have been that I know what God is trying to tell me. Scary and humbling. But do I think it'll work this month or the next month or ever? I really don't know, but if it does, it won't be the medicine healing me. I'm really sure of that now in a way I've never been before. I cannot trust in chariots or horsemen, but in the Lord my God. And He's taking me to the absolute end of myself to show me that.