David and I have been calling up and cancelling our services these past couple of days. We called to cancel a credit card that I'd gotten to get a substantial discount on an Amazon purchase. Anyway, we don't have additional credit cards laying around because we only really use them for special situations, like renting a car, so we only need one card. This is kinda how that exchange went:
David: I would like to cancel my credit card.
Cus. Service Rep. (completely horrified): Why?
David: We just don't want the card. We have one with our bank, and that's enough.
C.S.R.: Can you tell me why you prefer your other credit cards? We have many, many different credit card plans to meet your needs. Let me tell you about 5 of them...
David: I don't want to talk about why I like the other card better.
C.S.R.: Please, sir, I know that we can satisfy you. Let me transfer you to our department that harasses people who just want to cancel their credit card for 10 minutes before you hang up on them.
David: Please, just cancel my card. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
C.S.R.: At this point, my supervisor requires me to tell you that I will sacrifice my firstborn child to keep your business. I will also sing any song that you would like to hear, including, but not limited to, anything by Billy Ray Cyrus, and I will send you a check in the mail for $100 that you can cash. If you cash it, of course, you will then be signed up for another credit line with a higher rate of interest, but I hope this will entice you, sir. (note of desperation in voice.)
David (heart of stone): No, thank you.
C.S.R. (defeated): Thank you. You've been a very good customer. (Note: She actually said this. We never used the card after the initial deal. Not once. I didn't even activate the thing after it came in the mail.)
The saga continued today when David attempted to cancel our phone service. We knew where this was heading when they asked where we were moving. David said, "North Carolina." Immediately, he was transferred to someone in North Carolina. He was then told that X Company doesn't provide service in Raleigh, so he was transferred back to Virginia to cancel our current service. This led to us speculating on what would've happened if we'd answered this way:
C.S.R.: Where are you moving?
David (completely straight face): Zimbabwe
C.S.R.: Wonderful! We have just joined Zimbabababnasiuowejklsfidfliown Telecom in Zimbabwe as a strategic partner. I'm going to transfer you right now, and we'll have you set up in a jiff.
C.S.R. in Zimbabwe: Oh, Mr. Bragoon, it is so good to welcome you to Zimbabababnasiuowejklsfidfliown Telecom! For joining, we will be giving you a big bunch of bananas as your welcome gift to our country!