God can handle your anger...

This morning I thought I'd share one of the things I've been learning about God lately and over the past couple of years. The past few days have been really tough for me. When I think about the reasons why, it seems silly that one more setback in my fertility treatment would bother me this much. Maybe its because our treatments have seemed like a long series of setbacks, and I am being stretched to the breaking point. We were supposed to start injectable ovulation drugs this week, but unfortunately, the progesterone pills that I take to induce a period are not working like they usually do. The days keep passing, and nothing happens, and my anger and frustration build and build. And since God could've done something about this if He wanted to, naturally I'm mad at Him. =) Earlier in this journey, I usually responded to my anger toward God in one way. I repressed it. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving when I felt anything but thankful. I got angry at people because I was really angry at God, but I was afraid to show Him that. Finally, it got so bad that I just admitted to Him how angry I really was. I told Him that I was hurt and afraid, and I didn't think I was cut out for what He'd handed me. I told Him I was really mad at Him for allowing this pain in my life. When I was completely broken before Him, He did something amazing. He showed up, and I had peace in the middle of a storm that I can't explain. All the "good girl" piety I was trying hadn't gotten me closer to my Master. Honesty had. Since I discovered this, I have noticed this principle show up more and more in the Bible and in Christian writings. In When Your Rope Breaks, the author writes, "If you are angry and hurt, don't tell God that you love Him. He knows you are lying. Don't tell Him that you know He is doing whatever He is doing in your life for a good reason. He knows you don't believe that for a moment. Tell him the truth. He is maybe the only Person in the world who can absorb everything you hand out, understand why you do it, and still love you." I have found this to be true. Jesus experienced pain and frustration that I can't imagine. He has been there, and He knows. He knows what its like to cry out to your Father and beg Him to take this suffering away from you and get a big, fat "No."Before infertility, I'm sure that I had pushed my family and friends pretty far with my complaining about various things, but I did not know then what it felt like when you realize that the people that love you probably couldn't handle it if they knew how you felt inside sometimes. It has been so freeing to know that God can handle it. I have been using the Psalms as a Biblical model for crying out to the Lord. Some of them were written while David was running for his life from King Saul. He doesn't make any bones about the fact that he's really hurting and in trouble. He says in Psalm 6:6-12, "I am weary with sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; It has become old because of my adversaries..." but he ends up with confidence in the Lord. "The Lord has heard my supplication. The Lord receives my prayer." This is just one of many Psalms like this. When I pray, I try to do what David did. If I'm really angry and hurt, who am I kidding if I act like I'm not? God knows everything anyway. So I tell Him how mad I am at Him, and then I ask Him to help me not to be so angry. I know that this idea may be uncomfortable to some of you. Many of our modern preachers teach us that we should think positive thoughts and remember our blessings when we're upset, but that's the most advice they're willing to give the brokenhearted about relating to God. I've done this, and I think its a good idea, and that it often works. I don't think that Christians should enjoy large chunks of time spend in Angryland. But I've also learned that when your rope has broken, and when counting your blessings is like dust in your mouth, honesty about that before God can lead to great relief and refreshment and new thankfulness. You can truly discover that God really does know the worst of you and loves you anyway.