I'm feeling a little challenged today. =)
I want to keep a quiet heart, and it's been a struggle. It takes so little to get me in a foul mood these days. Last night was long and tiring, thanks to a couple of window candles in Evan's room that I hadn't unplugged. Even after I unplugged them at eleven, that didn't do the trick. I think either David or I were up every 2-3 hours all. night. long.
I made the mistake of letting Evan cry in his crib after he woke up after 30 minutes of nap because I just wanted to lie in the bed. The furious crying that is payback for that has barely ceased since he got up. And I'm worn.
Combine that with my inability to get the decorations up because of a million and one interruptions, now including Mr. Spirit of Christmas Unhappiness, and I'm not keeping a quiet heart. David has now taken him out for the second time this afternoon, and they've walked around the corner to get the walnuts I forgot for the cookies I'm supposed to be making for Seth and Evan's Sunday School teachers because of my mommy guilt.
"Buy gift cards" you say. Well, sure, if we hadn't spent and spent and spent the last two months on things as unexciting as suits for David's job, plane tickets, bar association dues, etc., maybe I would. But we have, so I'm not. We're fine and dandy; I'm just trying to be responsible, yada, yada...
And the lights are now draped across the mantel with care, and the house is quiet, and I've scrapped the plans to make soup until tomorrow. But its not that easy to get back on the horse. (I actually have personal experience with that saying because I once had a horse that liked to run away with me until I fell off, and I did indeed have to take my shaken self and climb back on when I didn't want to). I made myself hold Evan and calm down and pray for my anger at him to leave despite the screaming because he can feel my anger, and I know it.
It's a dirty little secret, ya know. Mommies aren't supposed to be angry. Ever. But I am angry more often than I'd like.
I need to go and sit at the foot of the manger filled with the baby that all the songs say didn't cry...
*** The day was saved by David, my personal superhero, who got both boys smiling and laughing, giving me time to finish up the cookies, which turned out really cute with the tags. We watched "Elf," laughed a lot, and now I'm going to bed with an empty, shiny sink. So, despite the sad tone of this post, all is not lost, and I'm not about to throw myself off a bridge. Yet. Good night. =) ***