Lower expectations...

I've been musing a bit lately on relationships. I have realized that most of my life, I've been dissatisfied with many of the relationships I have. I'm sure this is because our world is fallen, and humans are quite sinful, me included. We constantly hurt and disappoint each other. Sometimes we hurt each other so much that we might think it would just be better to live on a desert island than put up with the pain that others can inflict, intentionally or unintentionally. My tendency has always been to have very high expectations of my relationships with others. This is a very dangerous and unhelpful way to live, and I'm learning that more and more as I live with a man who has blissfully low expecations of his friends and family. I am an open person, so I expect my good friends to be as open with me as I am with them. If they're not, I tend to get disappointed. Actually, there are lots of things that disappoint me, not just lack of openness. I am really disappointed when the words "I'm sorry" don't appear in the vocabulary of friends and family. I am disappointed when others dismiss or ignore things that are important to me. I am disappointed when people don't reciprocate invitations or take a long time getting back to me when I give one. The list goes on and on. Very few people meet my expectations all the time, and I'm sure that I don't meet their expectations either. I try not to make the kinds of friendship infractions that I despise, but I'm sure I'm not that great at it, and I'm also sure that I break plenty of others' cherished relationship rules. My tendency when I am hurt by something that someone has done is usually to confront them about it. I may do it nicely, or I may wait too long until it boils up inside me, and I spew. I don't recommend the second choice. (I've probably told the truth about my feelings both times, but in the second case, my feelings come out nastier, so they're easier to dismiss.) I'm learning to let go of a lot more little things, personality quirks, etc., that used to bother me, but that's hard work. Frankly, I stink at it, but I'm improving marginally. I'm trying to narrow it down now to things that bother me for some, hopefully, legitimate reason, and things that the other party could possibly change. Then I try to talk them out with the other person. I do that, and sometimes it works great. We reach mutual agreement and compromise. The issue is cleared up, and everybody feels better. Sometimes, though, especially in the last few years, I've realized that trying to talk it out with certain friends and family members doesn't do any good. Talking doesn't help a bit, and sometimes it makes things worse. So what do you do when you are sure that trying to convince another person of their need to change wouldn't do any good? What do you do when you've already explained their offensive conduct and nothing changes? You give up. And you lower your expectations. You love them anyway, and you swallow your disappointment in a less than ideal relationship. "Lower expectations" are the new buzz words for me. I have learned that if I just expect less from my relationships, I am so much less likely to be disappointed. If I visit friends or family, and I have this picture in my head of how the visit will go, I am inevitably disappointed. But if I go with no preconceived notions and no expectations, I usually end up having a good time. Expect nothing, or possibly even, expect something subpar, and you're not going to be let down. =) It works for me! Because others owe me nothing, and I am called to expect just that. I owe them Christ's love without anything in return, and I've got to remember that. I've got to remember that I should give them my tunic also if they ask for my shirt. What credit is it to me if I love those who love me all the time? Anybody can do that. It's a lot harder to give Christ's love to those who aren't showing you Christ's love at the moment. This is something I'm struggling with a lot at the moment. It's really hard for me to take some things on the chin. I want to lash out and fight back and teach others a lesson. I want to stand up for my rights. I don't want anyone to walk all over me. I want to discipline others to treat me better. But this is not what Christ calls me to do. He doesn't tell me to set up all kinds of boundaries so that I won't get hurt. He tells me to leave myself open to hurt by giving when it's going to cost me big time and I know it. I am not responsible for the bad behavior of others. I am simply responsible for my response to it. Lower expectations...lower expectations....love anyway...keep your tone kind...keep your mouth shut. I am learning to repeat these things to myself. Hope my mantra helps you.