Fear not...

At this point, I've gotten far enough along in my pregnancy that I'm starting to worry about a new variety of things. =) For the first four months, I blissfully concentrated on dreaming about baby clothes and strollers and Baby Bjorns, etc. Of course, I'm still doing that. I purposefully put all thoughts of actual labor and delivery out of my mind. I think I'll hold off on thinking about labor as long as possible. Who needs to worry about all that until the labor class, right? In the beginning, I worried that I wouldn't keep this baby. That kept me too busy to worry about the health of the baby. =) Well, now I'm fighting worrying about that. I wake up to go to the bathroom several times a night now, and one night recently, I lay awake worrying before I went back to sleep. Our big ultrasound is coming up soon, and though I'm excited about finding out if we're having a boy or a girl, I'm also afraid of this ultrasound. I actually scheduled it a few days later than I had to because I want to live in ignorance as long as possible if there is something to fear. I'm worry that we'll get there and find out that something is horribly wrong. I imagine them coming in and saying, "I'm sorry. Your child doesn't seem to have a brain." Maybe this sounds farfetched, but I got an email from a friend asking for prayer for her friends that found just that when they went to their ultrasound. I guess the last couple of years have involved so much bad news for us that I am afraid to believe that there could finally be a happy ending. The bad news mindset is a tough thing to uproot when you've mostly had bad news about pregnancy for a good while. Maybe this is common for all mothers, though. Maybe they all struggle with worry about this, and my experience is totally normal. David and I talked about this last night for awhile, and as always, my laidback, trusting, non-worrying husband's advice was what I needed to hear (even though his calmness is a little annoying at times=). David is peaceful, and he thinks this baby is probably healthy. But he also knows that we have no guarantees of anything in this life. Our new church is Reformed, so they talk more than we're used to about God's sovereign will in your life. If there is one thing we understand, it's that God's sovereign will for your life may involve some tough struggles. There isn't anything you can do about it. David told me that I needed to give up the idea that my life should go perfectly smoothly and not have big difficulties. If I give that up, he said, I'll be a lot more likely to relax and accept whatever God has planned for me, no matter what it is. I asked him if he knew anybody who'd truly given up wishing for a happy, stress-free life without problems. I want to meet them if he has! But he's right that we should be striving to let go of that idea. I guess all of the Christian life involves constant attempts to lay that desire for our own happiness down at the foot of the cross. Not that we shouldn't be joyful and happy in the Lord and thankful for the gifts that He's given. He'd be insulted if we weren't thankful and happy for His blessings. But I know that my own happiness and a life of ease is too much of a goal in my life. I should be just as happy if He sends rain as sunshine, but I'm glad that He knows that I'm clay, and He understands when I really struggle to feel that way about it. We will go for our ultrasound, and everything will probably be fine, and I'll post what we're having on this blog. And I'll keep remembering this verse that the Lord brought to my mind lately. I memorized it in the King James version when I was a little girl, and I don't have time to find the reference right now, but it goes something like this: "Fear not. Be thou not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee. I will help me. I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." He will uphold me. He will strengthen me. No matter what life and parenting challenges the future holds, there is nothing greater than sitting in my Father's strong right hand.