night before a break…

It’s late, but I can’t sleep. So I thought I’d come down and look at my boys. Tomorrow we leave all 3 of them with Nana and Papa for the weekend. It’s been about two years since we had that much time completely childless…. But now it’s coming, thanks to the bittersweetness of weaning.

My mind got all wound up lying in bed tonight, and I couldn’t stop thinking of all the things we might want to do now that we have some time uninterrupted by the nap schedule. But then I would think about how my arms will feel so empty without the familiar weight of Ben in them.

See, they’ve become so much a part of us that we don’t feel complete without them. How does that happen? How did I get to the place where spending even a weekend without any of these 3 parts of my heart makes me a little sad?

I know I’ll get used to the idea quickly enough. I love spending time with my teammate… precious time when we can finish sentences and thoughts unimpeded.

I remember feeling the weight and the completeness of family when I was younger. I remember that there were times when I felt like friends couldn’t really know me unless they knew my family. In college, I wanted to talk about my brother and my mom and dad and the way and the place that I grew up, feeling this need to explain and describe in order to feel truly known.

Then things shifted, and I got married, and it became more important that friends know my husband than the family I grew up in. The definition of family changed. I feel the change even more now.

To know me, to truly know me, is to know my children, too. When we look at each other, we see shared thoughts and laughs and dreams mirrored in each other’s eyes. I recognize it, though they are only dimly aware just yet.

So it is right that leaving them makes me feel slightly odd and off kilter. This is the season for that in our family, and it would be unnatural for me not to feel it.

Oh, the ways that they’ve stolen my heart….

the day after Christmas…

My little wise men giving the traditional gifts to the Baby Jesus. Next year, I’m going to have to get some real myrrh and frankincense from the health food store. They earned plastic gold coins this year by showing God’s love to others that they used to buy oxen, ducks, and chickens for people in need. Definitely have to do that again next year…

It’s pouring down rain. I somehow managed to oversleep by an entire hour, and Seth woke me up. I would feel guilty, but I guess everyone was tired enough that they needed to oversleep, too. Daddy’s back at work. =(

Seth is working on writing lowercase “y”s right now, and we’ve had some practice identifying place value of tens and ones. I think we’ll try and get in a reading lesson in tonight.

The freezer is getting really empty. I’m going to go to the grocery store tonight to restock. Time to cook up some chicken and ground beef to freeze. And I’m going to do these freezer crockpot meals again. They were good (all but the burrito meat)… but I think they are going to marinate in their bags for 24 hours before I freeze them this time for maximum flavor. And its time to make some more pizza sauce to freeze and more bags of pizza dough ingredients.

I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment for Ben and Evan. Ben’s had a mostly clear runny nose for two weeks now. I think its teething because he’s also got a ton of drool, but its time to check for an ear infection to be on the safe side. And Evan has had a runny nose when he wakes up for that long, so he’ll get a look see as well.

I enjoyed the time with my parents before Christmas, but I’m glad to be back in my nest again. The mundane is pleasant enough right now. =)

pre-christmas….

The great family picture taken at the professional level photo booth at our church’s family festival. And I had to make it black and white because David and I were too pasty looking for the internet. The end.

I just heard Evan say that he and Seth should build a clubhouse and go to the moon. They’re spending a lot of time lately building cars and trucks and “car transporters” and beds out of the small table and chairs in the playroom.

We’re not doing much school today. We’ve missed a good bit in the last few days because of sickness. First it was me…. stomach bug and sinus infection. Then Seth threw up. Then Ben. Hey, at least I can make it up whenever we need to.

I’ve kind of just come to accept this. Some member of this family has been sick pretty much since right before Thanksgiving. If I accept that we’re going to be sick a lot in the winter, then I don’t get as stressed out when the first person throws up. And even a quick glance at my Facebook feed makes it clear that I’m not alone. Misery loves company. =)

I can’t write about school shootings. I read about it, and I absorb enough to make me sad, but I block out the “too much” that would incapacitate me with worry and sadness.

Tomorrow we go to my parent’s house for a few days before Christmas. David is looking forward to me taking the children and leaving him. =) I’m going to take bubble baths and ignore the whining I hear coming from the living room and let Mom and Dad help me deal with it for a few days.

And now I must go because a skirmish has broken out in the playroom. Merry Christmas! The world is dark and sad and broken with sickness and death… but He was born into the darkness, and those small purple and pink candles that we light each night remind us that even a small light banishes the darkness. And how great a light He is!

good things…

Wing designer and builder extraordinaire.

- Ben gets slightly less destructive every day.

- Too many good activities and friends to spend time with, and that there will be summer to enjoy with the ones that school time takes away from right now.

- Dark chocolate toffee pretzel bark.

- Holding my baby in his dark room while he drinks a warm bottle.

- A school break coming soon for this weary mom.

- Boys in awe of something as simple as turning off the lights and lighting a candle for dinner.

- Husband reading scripture by candlelight.

- That chicken cooked in the crockpot falls off the bones easily, and that sometimes one dinner meal yields enough leftovers for another.

- Homeschool: usually the best part of my day.

- Snuggling up with my oldest while he reads his first story in a book.

- Seeing the lessons of perseverance sinking in when reading is hard.

- Big boys that spend lots of time together in their bedroom building “animal houses” out of pillows and play silks before breakfast.

- Being able to take the time out to talk and pray about being a sore loser.

- Husband encouragement and perspective…

- Praying for Daddy’s day during morning devotions, and having a son mention it to him when he gets home.

- The Christmas lights and decorations are up… even if the bathrooms are still filthy. =)