I want to be a better mother every day. I want to see noticeable improvement in my parenting every year.
And I get very tired of not seeing improvement in myself. I pray and pray for it. And I feel like it’s a constant struggle, and if I’m not losing ground, I’m not gaining it either.
Basically, I guess I’m sick of being a sinful person stuck in a sinful world.
And today is one of those days when I think my children might be better off in daycare than with me at the moment.
I have allergies, and so does everyone else in the house. The boys are stuffy and snotty, the baby is snuffly, and I haven’t felt the greatest for the last couple of days. I didn’t sleep well last night, and getting up with the baby didn’t help.
So when Evan decided to cry on and off through his nap because he FEELS BAD, and this meant that I got no nap, I was steaming by the time I got him up. And I yelled at him, had a temper tantrum, and had to apologize for it. And I hate being this kind of mother.
I am sick and tired of failing every day at my resolution not to speak harshly with my children. Because I do at some point every day. I am short, terse, frustrated, angry, whatever. And when I do it, I feel like it negates every good thing I’ve done with them all day, no matter how many of those things there are.
Yes, tomorrow is another day. But I feel right now like that doesn’t matter because I’ll just blight it’s promise of a fresh start like I always do. And I’m tired of that.
The end.
UPDATED THE NEXT DAY… I got my sadness out, asked God to forgive me again, and indulged in some “bad day” pizza takeout. And then I cleaned out my nasty van. And cleaned up some of the backyard mess. And felt better, hugged all my babies, and resolved to do better today. Of course, everyone got less sleep last night than the night before. =) We’re gonna make it, sisters in the trenches… yes, we are…
2 comments:
Oh honey. Please please don't forget that you have a new and very tiny baby boy. This is not an excuse but believe me it certainly adds major amounts of exhaustion and frustration. The last few weeks have been so much better for us and I know that is because Frankie is older. I love you, I am praying for you.. I am right there struggling with you.
1. Don't be so hard on yourself!
2. Girl, you are just being brave enough to keep it real...all those things happen here...and I'm not proud of them. I know what you mean...I don't ever want the kids to say--Yes, our mother stayed at home with us but we wish she would have gone to work.
Hang in there! You have a new baby and it is always hard in the beginning. You can do it! We love you and are down in these trenches of motherhood with you! Prayers being sent your way! : )
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