Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thoughts...

First, I'd like to show you the cutest, cuddliest baby boy in the world enjoying being the middle of a grandparent sandwich. You can all "oooh" and "ahhh" now.
Said baby is currently consenting to take a late afternoon nap, and I felt like blogging, so I am. I feel all guilty about my blog. It's been neglected in favor of Facebook lately, and I know it. Pictures just load sooo much faster there, I gotta say. And the feedback is pretty immediate, too. But... I can't unload all my stuff there in that teeny, tiny space, and this is my own personal digital scrapbook, so there ya go. Blog, I haven't abandoned thee entirely.
No shock, this past 7 months has been a big adjustment for me. First, I thought that all the extra time and energy had gone bye-bye because I had a tiny baby. I was willing to wait it out. Waiting, waiting... nope, it's because I have a SECOND CHILD! I'm starting to realize that that time and space I had to think and breathe and enjoy leisurely evenings with my husband is... gone. And I've gotta say that there have been many days lately that I resent that. Yup, formerly infertile me who is living the dream is sometimes mad as Hades that she's finally having to learn to make real, tough sacrifices of her time and energy for others...all day long. Somebody cue the world's smallest violin, I know.
Some of this is coming from the fact that Seth has been pushing boundaries big time all day long for a couple of weeks now. He's in the "look at you in the eye, smile, and flagrantly refuse to obey" stage. The one where he's actually choosing disciplinary action because he's interested in learning what happens when you disobey. That stage. I hate that stage. It's new to me, and I'm hoping it goes away soon. And I'm starting to also realize that as he grows, he wants far more of David's time and attention in the evenings, so I barely get to talk to him before Seth goes to bed. And then Evan goes to bed, and then we have an hour before we're ready to go upstairs to bed. Where did all the time go? I know I'm whining now...
I'm tired. And I'm feeling not tough enough for this job. I thought all this difficulty meant a temp job, and it looks like its going to be full time for several more years, and I'm getting a little panicky. I didn't know this was what I signed up for. Most of the time, I have it together, but there are days lately when I just want to cry because I feel like this is beyond me and my puny little capabilities.
Sometimes I'm shocked that I'm doing as well as I am most of the time. (Because, y'all, lying there in the morning and realizing that you're having trouble figuring out when you'll be able to do the dishes is depressing). I attribute the fact that I handle most of it well most of the time to God working some powerful changes in me. I am learning to roll with the punches because I have to. I'm learning to do things and handle things that I couldn't imagine myself handling even a year ago. Stuff doesn't bother me that would've had me in tears when Seth was a baby. It's amazing.
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder who that strong person is. I certainly don't feel strong, but I seem to act it somewhat regularly. God is transforming me, and it's painful, but I'm kind of in awe of it. I'm learning, and I'm growing, and I'm even sometimes helping others and not counting the cost for doing it as much. What's up with that? Maybe you have to have it all feeling like its on the edge of falling apart before you finally throw up your hands, give up control, and just say, "Whatever... bring your kid over here for a couple of hours. What's another one..."
I don't know. I'll make it through. Maybe this is just the midwinter blahs. But I'd better run. No. 2 just woke up. =)

6 comments:

Brandy Afterthoughts said...

Two is hard. But you can do this, and I promise it really does get easier. Your evenings aren't gone forever, just for the time being. Someday all your children will be over the age of one and you'll be amazed. ;)

However, it is true that you will spend the rest of your life in a state of sacrifice that you didn't have to exist in when you didn't have children. BUT...your life is richer, no?

You remind me of me, though. I took it all kicking and screaming sometimes, too. :)

Ellen said...

Thanks, Brandy. =) Kicking and screaming fit over for now.

Robin said...

Hey Ellen,

I cannot imagine how you are coping. I only had one child and was overwhelmed! Some days I didn't know if Robert would live to see 4. ;) It seemed all I did was spank and correct him all day. But the light went on over his little head and he finally figured out if he did what I said he wouldn't get punished. It was a rough 3 years but the last 19 have been wonderful! Hang in there. It will get better. Robert is beginning his student teaching this semester. He was on the dean's list for Summer and Fall semesters with a 3.5 and 3.8 GPA respectively. Please send me your email address again. Outlook crashed on me and I've lost your address. My email is kandr1221@att.net

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Ivy Mom said...

I hope you don't mind me commenting, but I find myself in very similar shoes these days. I think our boys are all about the same age and I feel like I'm still figuring this life with 2 out. Some days the dishes get done and I feel good about things, while others I'm amazed we're all alive at the end of the day! Just when I thought I had this mothering thing figured out, along came #2 and God insisted I had more growing to do. In the end, it's hard, but good all in the same.

Thanks for sharing!

Ellen said...

Thanks for sharing, Ivy Mom. Blogger is making me crazy, and it never sent me your comment. Nice to know I'm not alone...