The gender of this baby isn't something I've written about on this blog for a good while. But it isn't something that hasn't caused me angst and bitterness and sadness.
I feel guilty for my feelings because I am all too aware of how blessed I am. I pleaded with God not to allow Seth to be an only child, and He has graciously answered that prayer. As far as we know, this baby is healthy, and we are very grateful for that as well. I have no right to complain about anything.
But I'm still sad, and at times, I'll admit that I'm bitter. At first, when I found out that this baby is another boy, I handled it pretty well. I did dwell on the positives, and it wasn't that hard to handle.
But time moved on, and I woke up one day to realize that I was definitely carrying grief. I spent a good bit of one day crying about the gender of this sweet baby. Being ashamed of it, but crying anyway.
When I find out that another person I know is having a baby girl, I am jealous. When I find out that a friend is having her 4th boy, my heart aches for her. I make comments like, "You're so lucky to be having a girl," and "Ahhh, another boy. I understand."
I have to let this go, but its been much harder than I ever expected. When I read about Beth Moore and her daughters and the Mahaney girls and their mom, I want to rant and yell. All the dreams I had of teaching my girl how to be a woman of God... will they ever come to anything? I wanted to leave that kind of legacy. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway, but I wanted a shot at it.
I know that this means that I'm not trusting God for my future. I had my plans and my hopes and my dreams, and they didn't include two boys and no daughters. But if I'm really going to believe God when he says that "He knows the plans He has for me, and that they're to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future," I have to give this up. I have to believe that two boys is the best thing that could ever happen to me and this family. I have to trust that God is not trying to punish me; He's trying to give me something better for me and everyone else than I would've chosen for myself.
And I also have to be ok with the fact that this family is not about me and what I want. =) Maybe the lives of these children are His and not mine. Maybe what He wants for them is radically different than what I'd envisioned. =)
So, in case you were wondering, this issue hasn't gone away for me. Any prayers would be appreciated. And I'm hoping that the healing will be complete sooner rather than later. Since I don't want little Spartacus to ever read this post and think Mommy didn't want him...
No, we're not naming him Spartacus.