Saturday, April 18, 2009

Boy angst...

The gender of this baby isn't something I've written about on this blog for a good while. But it isn't something that hasn't caused me angst and bitterness and sadness.

I feel guilty for my feelings because I am all too aware of how blessed I am. I pleaded with God not to allow Seth to be an only child, and He has graciously answered that prayer. As far as we know, this baby is healthy, and we are very grateful for that as well. I have no right to complain about anything.

But I'm still sad, and at times, I'll admit that I'm bitter. At first, when I found out that this baby is another boy, I handled it pretty well. I did dwell on the positives, and it wasn't that hard to handle.

But time moved on, and I woke up one day to realize that I was definitely carrying grief. I spent a good bit of one day crying about the gender of this sweet baby. Being ashamed of it, but crying anyway.

When I find out that another person I know is having a baby girl, I am jealous. When I find out that a friend is having her 4th boy, my heart aches for her. I make comments like, "You're so lucky to be having a girl," and "Ahhh, another boy. I understand."

I have to let this go, but its been much harder than I ever expected. When I read about Beth Moore and her daughters and the Mahaney girls and their mom, I want to rant and yell. All the dreams I had of teaching my girl how to be a woman of God... will they ever come to anything? I wanted to leave that kind of legacy. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway, but I wanted a shot at it.

I know that this means that I'm not trusting God for my future. I had my plans and my hopes and my dreams, and they didn't include two boys and no daughters. But if I'm really going to believe God when he says that "He knows the plans He has for me, and that they're to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future," I have to give this up. I have to believe that two boys is the best thing that could ever happen to me and this family. I have to trust that God is not trying to punish me; He's trying to give me something better for me and everyone else than I would've chosen for myself.

And I also have to be ok with the fact that this family is not about me and what I want. =) Maybe the lives of these children are His and not mine. Maybe what He wants for them is radically different than what I'd envisioned. =)

So, in case you were wondering, this issue hasn't gone away for me. Any prayers would be appreciated. And I'm hoping that the healing will be complete sooner rather than later. Since I don't want little Spartacus to ever read this post and think Mommy didn't want him...

No, we're not naming him Spartacus.


The Mom said...

Is it possible that you might one day have another child?

(Though I do have a friend who had seven sons in a row, including non identical twins - both boys. Her last child, born when she was 44/45 was a girl.)

May God give you the desires of your heart!

Or help your heart towards his desires.

We are blessed with boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl - then boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, boy.

I realise we were blessed at having such a "balance" at the start of our family.

Another thought; the bible says "children are God's heritage (inheritance)"

It also says somewhere else that "God shall choose our inheritance for us".

That has finally made me get it, that the number and timing and gender and health of our children is very deliberately chosen by God.

And sometimes I've finally realised (I didn't always get what I wanted!)that God is wiser than me.

I realise you probably realised that a long time ago, having suffered infertility, etc. But these verses were a comfort to me.

Henrietta x

The Mom said...

And I am sure when Spartacus arrives you *will* love him.

H x

Ellen said...

Thanks, Henrietta. I do love this little boy a good bit already. And I might have another child one day. But we're torn on that one for multiple reasons, and it certainly isn't guaranteed with my fertility history. But I'm learning to let go. And I wouldn't give up my little guy for a million girls, so maybe I'll discover that having two boys is something I'd like WAY better than having a boy and a girl. Who knows? =)

Brandy said...

Oh, Ellen, I completely empathize! Even though I am completely in love with my little flock now, I was disappointed for a long time! I don't know why, but I just had it in my head that I'd have a daughter first. When I had a son, then I thought I'd have a brother for him to play with, but instead God gave me a miscarriage and then a girl (whose twin I also miscarried). And then when #3 came along, I thought for sure it was time for that brother, but God said girl again. And then when we had #4, we finally got that brother, but were told we won't be having more children.

But that's not how I see the story anymore. Now I see God's grace. I love my family and the only thing I'd change if I had the power would be the ability to have more.

What I clung to in those emotional moments, though, was that verse about the LORD building the house. I realized that it really was Him, and my family would look completely different had He not took charge, and I really am grateful for what He has done.

So, the LORD is building your house, too. It won't look like what you expected or would have built yourself, but it'll be grand because He built it.

But I will pray for you because I have been there and I don't know what is worse: feeling this way, or feeling guilty for feeling this way.