Thursday, January 01, 2009

Hoping for a...

The date for my 18 week ultrasound is looming near. I should know the sex of this baby by next Monday night. And the closer it gets, the more nervous I get. Knowing the sex of this baby leads to more specific hopes and dreams and thoughts. It leads to us getting down to the business of assigning a name. It's a gateway for me to the second half of pregnancy; a sign that we're moving further down the road to birth.

And I'm realizing that its all going far too fast for me. For a variety of reasons, this very well may be my last pregnancy. And I want to savor it. If I could've been reckless with my already seriously compromised fertility, I would've liked to have waited longer between babies. Why? So I could revel in the joy of focusing on and enjoying one on one time with my little boy. I'm a one on one person primarily. I usually prefer that to spending time in groups. Two kids makes a group, you see. And I mourn the thought of not being able to give each child as much of me as I would like, one on one. Can you tell that I never had aspirations of a large family? =)

But we also had hopes of having a couple of kids who are close in age. And that has a lot of benefits for them, not just for their selfish mommy who wants to hoard them all to herself. So I know that I'm glad that these two will be close together. But I also want to shake my fists and yell, "No! The childbearing years can't be over for me so soon! I'm not ready yet! I want more time!" No more downy little heads? No more nursing? It's a tough thought.

And on top of that, I'm also worrying that this one won't be... a girl. And I suspect that I'm going to experience some grief if it isn't, especially if it could be my last. I have always really wanted to have a daughter. I have a really good relationship with my mom, and because of the nature of life, I get to spend more time with her than my brother does.

My brother is a total mama's boy, but his relationship with her is just different. Now that he's grown, he's moving more widely in the circle of career and work. He has less time to spend with Mom than I do because I am staying at home with my children. He doesn't have the same conversations that I do with her about raising children and keeping a home, and he doesn't know the same wonder of stepping into her shoes as he becomes a mom himself. Good thing. =)

I don't want to miss out on that relationship potential. Boys are wonderful. I wouldn't trade my Seth for a million girls. But I want to have the chance at a mother/daughter relationship, too. They're often more turbulent than mother/son relationships, but they have the potential for a very different kind of fulfillment when your little girl becomes an adult.

And quite frankly, I'm worried that God will not give me a daughter because He doesn't think I'd be very good at raising one. As the time gets closer for me to find out, and I get more apprehensive, I have figured out that I am having this thought. The last thing I want to do is hurt a little girl by being harsh and abrasive with her, and I worry about doing that more with a girl than with boys.

There are a million different reasons why God decides to give each family the number and gender of kids they have, and I know this with my head, but there is something in my heart that says, "Please don't pass me by because I'm too screwed up to be entrusted with the same kind of fragile heart that I had as a little girl." I worry that if that ultrasound shows a certain appendage on Monday, I will feel it as an indictment of me. Guilty. As charged... This all may sound incredibly stupid, and it does to me on some days, but this is the place where I talk out my thoughts and share them, in case you've had them, too, and you don't want to feel alone in your own lunacy. =)

God knows what is best for me and our family. Often His ideas are not my ideas. Sometimes I think they turn out better, and sometimes I disagree with Him about the merits of His plans. But I see now as through a glass darkly. I don't know what He has in store. And I know that I'll find acceptance, no matter what happens. It's an exciting life, and I'm glad to be along for the ride. But if you think of me on Monday at 1:00 p.m., say a little prayer for instant joy, no matter what is revealed. =)

1 comment:

dmopie said...

I experienced a few of the same feelings. I wanted only one child, as I am best at one-on-one, too. I also only wanted to have boys and couldn't conceive of having girls. I know God knows our hearts' desires, as He granted me mine. Praying He hears your prayer for a little girl!