Sunday, September 28, 2008

Day 9, Estrogen level... 316

Last night, I went to a prayer meeting. A girl from our Sunday School class told me about it. They meet once a month to pray at someone's house. Last night it was 5 of us. I didn't know two of the women. We're all youngish, with husbands and kids.

We sat down, sprawled all over the living room, dim and toy covered, in our sweats and t-shirts. No refreshments, no agendas... just prayer. We talked for a couple of minutes before we got started, and I got introductions for the gals I didn't know.

And then it started. Jillian said, "Oh yeah, Ellen, did you know I'm pregnant with no. 3? Yup, due in May." One down. The other lady on that couch shifted positions, and Melissa said, "Wow, you're really starting to show." "Yep, this is no. 4." Two down. "I know you can't tell it from this shirt, but I'm expecting no. 3." This from the girl sharing the couch with me. Boom, boom, boom. 3 out of 5. The only women in the room that were not pregnant were me and Melissa, who has a 3 month old.

I felt myself shrinking a little farther into the couch, suddenly lonely and sad, surrounded by an abundance of new life, touching my own swollen, needlepricked stomach. I decided to get it over with, so I told them about my treatments. I calmly explained what each drug did and why to a room of women who will probably never know what it means to fight for the chance to bear a child.

They prayed for me, each one of them in turn... such sweet, kind words. They were good prayers, and I'm grateful for them. They know they don't understand this particular battle of mine... but I know that I don't understand some of theirs, either.

This morning, I went for my day 9 ultrasound. I've done this so many times, and each time has been basically the same. I'd have one egg growing out in front of the others, with maybe one other a couple of days behind it on the race to maturity. Well, this time was different. Looks like I've got two eggs on their way, running neck and neck, with a third a day or two behind. Whoa. Hmmm. Two eggs? Really? I don't know what to do with that. The nurse explained that its possible that one could take off in the next few days and leave the other two behind. It's still early in the game.

I know this, but I'm still a little frightened. The possibility of twins hasn't ever seemed this real before. I guess being frightened is a good sign. It means I think it's possible that I will get pregnant this month.

I drove to a friend's house after that appointment, mental images of Sarah's sweet newborns dancing in my head. I'm already surrounded by twins. I'd have lots of help and advice and borrowed gear. Yeah, we can do this. Can't we? Ok, I'm getting waay ahead of myself.

I got the bloodwork results and new instructions on the machine after I got home. My estrogen is steadily rising. It's already far higher than that of a normal woman. No wonder I'm a loopy mess... and sleepy. Extra estrogen will make you sleepy. The doctor wants me to lower my dose a bit. He'll see me personally at my next ultrasound, early on Sunday morning...

God is in control.


dmopie said...

This brings back so many memories for me. Praying for God's will to be done. know the 2 boys God has entrusted to us are true miracles, and perhaps the 2nd more than the 1st even. May God bless you and David with peace, hope, and joy during this stressful, fearful time. Just remember--God is in control and, thankfully, we are not.

Bethany said...

Ellen, just joining in to read about your journey to blessing number 2 (or maybe 2 and 3!) You, David and Seth are in our prayers. May God give you much grace to face each day. And trust in His sovereignty and deep care for you! If you ever want to chat please give me a call! Much love, Bethany Taylor