Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Important questions for my readers... yes, that's you...

Ok, I had this plan to go through some of my old photos and ask all of you when you started this journey with me. But I got back to this and had to stop and think... and feel... and emote... =)

This picture was taken on my graduation day in May 2006. That's the day I walked across the stage and got my M.A. in History. I got "hooded". I'd always aspired to a hood, from the day I saw the grad students getting them back at my undergrad graduation. The hood was kind of a symbol of the additional knowledge I'd like to cram into my puny head, so it was a big day when I picked mine up from the grad rental place. I thought about buying it... but I can only get so sentimental when sentimentality headbutts into overpriced grad wear. =)

Anyhoo, I remember that day vividly. It was a very emotional day for me. The emotions weren't all positive, and they weren't all negative. It was a roller coaster ride the whole time.

For the past two and a half years, I'd sat in a dingy conference room in the History building two nights a week, summer, fall, winter, and spring. I'd argued with professors about the nature of political systems, written numerous critical book reviews, sweated through primary research papers and my comps... and it was over. And my purpose for that part of my life was over as well. I didn't know what lay ahead of me, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to know.

I knew that I was on my last cycle of meds with the fertility clinic, I was moving to DC in a month, and I had no clue what the future would hold. I was very afraid that it would hold something more difficult than the present I was experiencing. I was excited about the fact that I'd done my best in grad school and achieved my goal of an M.A. But the achievement was very bittersweet on that day.

I remember sitting with the other grad students in the College of Arts and Sciences. We were in the coliseum, and I had no idea where my parents and David's parents were sitting. Since I couldn't see them, I looked at the spectators near me.

And then I saw her. A happy, pregnant woman sitting with her husband. She was about three rows up, very close to me. I remember sitting there and breathing out a fervent prayer to the Lord: "Please, God, please. I'm begging you. Please don't let this be it for me. I'm so thankful for the chance to go to grad school, but you know where my heart has been this whole time. Please..."


A little over a week later, I found out I was pregnant with Seth. He answers prayers. And the really tough time of questioning and struggling and trying to find the place God had for me was at an end... for now. =) I guess my blog journey started with infertility... and now its here. Wherever here is.

I'm trying to figure out where here is. I was looking at the archives the other day, and I realized that my life was really pretty darn exciting from the time I started my blog until a couple of months ago.

I'll give you a timeline to illustrate my point:

May 2006- Ellen graduates and gets pregnant after trying for 3 years...
June 2006- Ellen and David move to DC, David starts new job with the Supreme Court
June-January- Ellen and David experience the big city, join new church, and have exciting times
January-July 2007- Seth is born, life is changed, and there are more exciting times with a baby in the big city
July 2007- on- David, Ellen, and Seth move to NC, David takes new job, and they start hunting for a church, looking for friends, and settling into the area.

I know I thought it was exciting. Hardly ever a dull moment. Which leads me to now...

I'm having more dull moments. Maybe I should call them peaceful moments. I'm settling into life as a stay at home mom to a little boy. Things are more stable than they've ever been.

But... I feel like I have less to write about than I ever have. There isn't as much going on to blog about. Or maybe I'm in a creativity rut. I'm not sure. It's also possible that things seemed more interesting when I blogged less often. Hmmm. Much to think about.

But that leads me to questions I have for you. That's you, you Lurker out there. I know from my handy dandy Sitemeter thingy that there are plenty of people who read my blog. My question is... Why? I really am curious. Exactly why do you come here? Now, don't y'all think about this too hard and say to yourself, "Yeah! Why am I reading this drivel? I'm leaving and never coming back!" but ya know, a girl does wonder sometimes.

Many of you who read here know me or know someone who blogs who knows me. I know that you read my blog for the same reasons I read friends of friends blogs. These are reasons that I choose not to articulate here because I still haven't figured out why I care deeply about the vacation plans of my sister-in-law's friend's brother's wife. But nevertheless, I guess I understand you people.

But I'm wondering about those of you who I don't know who comment from time or time or never comment at all. How did you find your way to my little corner of the internet? Why do you still check in from time to time?

And for all of you.... What are your favorite things that I blog about?

And I cringe as I dare to ask this.... Do you have any questions for me? Deep, dark, burning questions that you must have answered before you can go on to live a productive and fulfilling life? Anyone? =)

I'm trying to figure out where this blog is going and where the Little Engine that Could should be pushing it. =)

7 comments:

NotTheMama said...

Well... since you asked... :) I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago, when I googled the ART program @ Brookwood. I read one of your posts, and well, I kind of didn't stop... There seems to be a lot on here I'm familiar with, and it's very encouraging to know that you have a son.
Favorite things... I absolutely love kids, and am called "Aunt" by more than just my nephews and niece, and reading about a child born after infertility makes it that much more sweet. And observations about your journey through infertility, because I really don't have anyone to talk to here... And it's nice to know I'm not losing it. :)
Questions.... Oh, there's not enough room! ;) The one I keep asking my computer screen, though, is, "Why couldn't Ellen still be in Alabama?!?!" hahaha

Herb of Grace said...

I started reading your blog a good while back. I doubt you remeber me, but we met several times through the G-boro homeschool events during highschool. Rachel had kept me vaguely updated, since my journey through IF overlapped yours somewhat. When Rach told me you and David were expecting I was very excited for you! And soon thereafter we also were blessed with a son. Judah and Seth are about 6 mths apart, I believe. I enjoy hearing about your little one and all the other tidbits of advice and info. I enjoy your writing style/gift and feel that we have some ideas and values in common. Keep it up!

Oh yeah, I also found out (while reading some of your old posts from when Seth was born) that David is related to some friends of ours here in VA. Small world, huh?

Sarah Shingler said...

I check/read your blog multiple times a day because A) you are the closest thing to a sister that I have B) I need to look out the metaphorical window when I am work (I don't have a window in my office and seeing suburban every day stuff on your blog helps me keep my sanity in the city) C) I am a little nosy and like to be kept in your loop :) XOXO

Sherry said...

Well honestly I come here for several reasons, and they are in no particular order...
I need a break from doing work.
I guess I'm a little nosy too and like to know what is going on in the lives of the people I was once close to.
I also like your writing style - and I love the pictures of Seth.
It's cool to feel like you still know someone that you haven't talked to in years by keeping up with what's going on in their life through their blog.
And about the questions, I really don't have any. I just pop in every now and then to see what's new. Feel free to pop into my world anytime you're bored. I actually just posted some new pics of our new place.
Well, see you around the web soon :)

Brandy said...

I read your blog because I'm nosey, I suppose. And I think, if you lived closer than 3,000 miles away, we would probably be real-life friends. :)

Wendy P. said...

because...blogging can be an addiction, at least once you find blogs that are similar in nature and thought as your own.

and, i guess we all have that natural "voyeur" tendency, to want to take a look at what folks are willing to put out there. would you maintain the blog for yourself if no one were reading? that's the question i sometimes ask myself.

and finally, probably maybe a little because i find it hard to initiate staying in touch. maybe blogging is an el-cheapo way out of having to put forth the effort to pick up the phone. i know i'm guilty; not just with you, but with a number of others. :)

hey...you asked!

Taylor Family said...

Why I read Ellen's blog. . .
1.I wish you still lived in DC
2.I wish we had been closer friends when you lived in DC
3.I share your journey of infertility, yet with different outcomes
4.I love seeing pictures of your family
5.Its a convenient way to stay in touch with what is going on in your life

yep I think that's it. . .no major burning questions for you, but if I think of one I'll be sure to ask!