Monday, December 17, 2007

Blah, blah, blah...

This is one of those mornings when I just feel off. The baby whimpered once right on time, and I was hoping he'd sleep longer, 'cause I was really tired for some unexplained reason. So I lay there, hoping that he might consent to go back to sleep. I didn't hear another peep for a few minutes, but I felt guilty for my wish. Bad, bad mama.

So I got him up, and even though he was being all smiley and happy, I was looking around, wishing for my 24 hour babysitters that just left and their Dog, also known as Great Baby Entertainment. Slap my hand once again. I feel lazy and mushy and grumpy. I don't want to do anything I should do, like clean my filthy bathtub and dust.

We're leaving on Thursday, and we won't be back until the Wednesday after Christmas, and then we have a whole houseful of people descending on us that Friday. Gahhh! So I've gotta get it in gear, and I'm still slightly off kilter when I walk around, nothing really bad, just slightly annoying when I think about it, and I've prayed, but God isn't taking this thing away quickly. And I don't think that going to the doctor is going to do much (she mentioned an expensive CAT scan or a visit to the ENT as options, which seem like overkill) so I'm willing to wait longer, but I'm not too thrilled about it.

I wonder how many moms out there sometimes feel like they are just totally subpar. And I wonder how often they feel it. Most of the time I feel like I do a pretty good job, and most of the time I have a sneaking suspicion that that has more to do with the laid back temperament God gave my son than it has to do with me. But even with my successes, I feel less than sometimes. I don't enjoy playing with him enough. I get too impatient when he's cranky. I don't want him to wake me from a sound sleep before I'm good and ready. I want more time to myself, and I panic thinking about how much less of that I'll get when he's down to one nap a day.

And did I mention that my husband is one of the hardest workers on the planet? I'm a total sloth compared to him. He works hard all day, bringing home the bacon. I get more down time than he does right now 'cause I have nap time. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I should never ask him to do the dishes again... What should I be doing with that free time? I don't know. How long will it last? I don't know that either. I know that being a mother will get more demanding the older Seth gets. This is just a temporary phase. But I don't want to be squandering it. Maybe I'm restless to be used more for God in ways that I can quantify and calculate and don't just have to do with shopping and taking care of baby and getting dinner on the table.

I've always had a strong desire to work with crisis pregnancy centers. Back in our 1st year of marriage, I went through training, and I became a counselor at the Charlottesville Pregnancy Center. It was really difficult work, trying to walk the line between complete truthfulness and complete compassion. Trying to help hurting newly pregnant women make life giving choices for themselves and their children is a emotional minefield. But I felt like I was making a difference, even if only one baby was born and one woman was saved years of heartache and guilt, for all the dozens that I saw that turned the other way. I'd like to be involved with a CPC again. There is one about 10 minutes from my house. I've scoped it out online. Now I just have to take the hard step of walking in the door, baby on one hip, and asking them if there is anything I can do for them. Is there anything I could do here, during naptime? Would they want me bringing Seth there to sort donated items? I guess I'll never know 'til I ask. I'll put it on my to-do list for after Christmas, I guess.

Hopefully this day will get more inspiring, and the Lord will lift me out of my doldrums. Maybe He'll be in the Soft Scrub today. See ya.


Meredith said...

Ellen, being a mother does NOT get demanding the older Seth gets. It gets easier, much easier!!!!

When he can get a diaper for you, it's easier. When he can have a conversation with you, it's easier. When he can page through a book and entertain himself, it's easier. I promise!

My oldest is only 5, but each year has been such a massive improvement over the last, it amazes me.

Now go get your ear checked! An ENT is not overkill : )

kristin said...

"I wonder how many moms out there sometimes feel like they are just totally subpar. And I wonder how often they feel it."

I feel it. I totally feel it. In fact, I was feeling it today. I was thinking about this very same topic as I secretly compared myself to all the Super Moms I see at church. I feel like I'm in such a different category. Thank you for being so honest! I can always count on you for that.

Thankfully, for both of us there is grace.

Lindsey @ Enjoythejourney said...

When do I feel subpar?

Oh about every single day. Seriously.

I read my friends blawgs who do all these cool crafts, and bake each day, and yada yada yada. And somedays I consider it a good day if I feed all the kids at least 2 meals and remember to dress them and I get out of my pj's.

The way I've come to "get over" this subpar feeling is to look at each day as a journey (yea, the whole title of my blog :) I really try to consider it a SUCCESSFUL day if I accomplished something. Just one thing that I didn't have done when the day began.

Otherwise, you'll kill yourself with guilt, remorse, and beat yourself up about everything out of your control.

Hang in there.

Shannon said...

Arg...when do I NOT feel subpar? Good thing emotions don't dictate reality! :)

Brandy said...

You are so honest, Ellen. I seriously need to read your blog more often. :)

What you said about feeling inadequate reminds me of the verse about women being sanctified through childbearing. When I was single, that verse was completely mystifying to me. But once I was a Mommy, I realized how much God uses motherhood to help me see myself more quickly, which (ideally) leads to me submitting to Him a bit more and becoming more Christlike in the process.

But what a hard road it can be...especially when we are tired or sick!